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What this journal is for:
Project 1
My creative skills have atrophied in the past few years from lack of use. My ability to write has become particularly bad, so as an antidote I'd like to try writing a little bit each day.
My goal is to write ~100 words most days. In the general spirit of New Year's resolutions, I'll try to make this a daily-ish habit. I'm not putting any restrictions on my writing; this is more about quantity and expression than theme or quality.
These posts will be tagged with "2025-100-words".
(Also, this post does not count.)
Project 2
I'd like to track my reading in 2024. I'll make a post per book I read. I might also put a short blurb / review, but that's going to be optional.
These posts will be tagged with "2025-books"
more on the old guy
He'll give you some tools from his shed at first - a spade, a hoe, some gloves. He'll make sure you give them back too. Eventually if you help him consistently he'll give you access to the shed (he'll tell you that he only keeps it locked because otherwise the kids forget to put them back). You can probably use these to access something??
Anyway he probably keeps some other things in the shed. Maybe a tool chest you can look through, find some photos of him and his wife and his kids. He'll get annoyed if you bring them up and remove them... it's too personal at that point to have you looking through his stuff.
Maybe also an old gun that's broken / doesn't work / doesn't have any ammo. Just kinda a piece of junk. You can ask him about it - he'll tell you that he used to go hunting. Sometimes hogs or deer would come in through the fog. Theoretically, he says, you could try to spear one now. But it would be dangerous, so nobody risks it.
He'll give you some tools from his shed at first - a spade, a hoe, some gloves. He'll make sure you give them back too. Eventually if you help him consistently he'll give you access to the shed (he'll tell you that he only keeps it locked because otherwise the kids forget to put them back). You can probably use these to access something??
Anyway he probably keeps some other things in the shed. Maybe a tool chest you can look through, find some photos of him and his wife and his kids. He'll get annoyed if you bring them up and remove them... it's too personal at that point to have you looking through his stuff.
Maybe also an old gun that's broken / doesn't work / doesn't have any ammo. Just kinda a piece of junk. You can ask him about it - he'll tell you that he used to go hunting. Sometimes hogs or deer would come in through the fog. Theoretically, he says, you could try to spear one now. But it would be dangerous, so nobody risks it.
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(Yeah it's been a bit; I've been out of the habit. Tryna get back to it.)
The old guy in act 2. He's planting a garden when you first show up. You can help him do things like weed and water the plants. He'll give you part of the garden to care for.. maybe spinach or something. If you pick the weeds regularly they don't get too big & mess up the spinach. If you don't they get bigger and the spinach doesn't grow so well and then pulling the weeds messes the plants up a bit. You can talk to him about this. The cycle, the natural order of things. The weeds grow stronger than the spinach. Life is that way.
He tells you about his wife. She's not around anymore. He had a son once. He's not around anymore either. Every day is a new opportunity, sometimes for joy, sometimes for sadness. On the whole the sadness tends to be a little stronger than the joy, but he's not sure it has to be that way. He's trying to make this place better for the kids growing up here. He hopes they have happier lives than he does, but more importantly he hopes that their lives are meaningful. Because your life has to have meaning or why live it?
The old guy in act 2. He's planting a garden when you first show up. You can help him do things like weed and water the plants. He'll give you part of the garden to care for.. maybe spinach or something. If you pick the weeds regularly they don't get too big & mess up the spinach. If you don't they get bigger and the spinach doesn't grow so well and then pulling the weeds messes the plants up a bit. You can talk to him about this. The cycle, the natural order of things. The weeds grow stronger than the spinach. Life is that way.
He tells you about his wife. She's not around anymore. He had a son once. He's not around anymore either. Every day is a new opportunity, sometimes for joy, sometimes for sadness. On the whole the sadness tends to be a little stronger than the joy, but he's not sure it has to be that way. He's trying to make this place better for the kids growing up here. He hopes they have happier lives than he does, but more importantly he hopes that their lives are meaningful. Because your life has to have meaning or why live it?
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Everyone has certain personal strengths and weaknesses, certain environmental history, and certain will.
It's like in an empire building game: everyone has a learning tree, everyone has similar but not identical capabilities. I've been playing too much CK3 recently :D Sometimes you get a really crappy random event that screws you over. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you marry well, sometimes you are in a bad situation and can't do much about it. You can choose something but not everything.
So what should you do? God does not say, "hello sarah, today you must clean the oven. now you must read this book. now you must cook this meal. now do .. " Instead I get something as cryptic as "hello sarah, today you must love your neighbor."
Oh, okay. And this makes sense because different people will have different ways of doing this more or less efficiently. But I have to put in the work of figuring out what this means to me. Today. Now. And that's a bit of overhead that gets a bit tricksy, because I'm very good at finding ways to not do it.
It's like in an empire building game: everyone has a learning tree, everyone has similar but not identical capabilities. I've been playing too much CK3 recently :D Sometimes you get a really crappy random event that screws you over. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you marry well, sometimes you are in a bad situation and can't do much about it. You can choose something but not everything.
So what should you do? God does not say, "hello sarah, today you must clean the oven. now you must read this book. now you must cook this meal. now do .. " Instead I get something as cryptic as "hello sarah, today you must love your neighbor."
Oh, okay. And this makes sense because different people will have different ways of doing this more or less efficiently. But I have to put in the work of figuring out what this means to me. Today. Now. And that's a bit of overhead that gets a bit tricksy, because I'm very good at finding ways to not do it.
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The church at rest (this side of glory) is in a dangerous situation. Jesus and his apostles worked under persecution. We have their example of how to live in faith, how to suffer and die. A persecuted church attracts the right audience: those who do not seek temporal benefit but an eternal kingdom.
But a church unpersecuted has no such benefits. Her scriptures give no details on the creation and maintenance of a civil society. She flounders between idolizing the dead laws of the old covenant and adopting the idolatrous principles of the world. All the while she is infested with those who would use her as a vehicle for their own enrichment. What a sorry state she is in, and what a reproach to the name of Christ!
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I'm gonna be honest. I'm feeling kinda burnt out. Just too much between work and dealing with Jimmy and the house and cleaning and church and idk what else that just has to be done. The trip was nice because I just had to think about the next few weeks. Yes, travel and scheduling was a bit much, and I got sick a few times because I was so tired, but I didn't feel so almost depressed by everything. I just feel so unmotivated that I'm spending time playing video games and I know that's not good for me either but it's a thing to do that will take my mind off of all the other things I have to do.
I wish I could talk to Jimmy about this but he would just put it all on himself and be all "oh i'm a terrible husband" and that would honestly just make it worse - I don't have the emotional bandwidth to handle him doing another woe-is-me spiel. I'd talk to my friends about it but at this point I don't really have any because we moved away from everyone and they're not really interested in being friends anymore (who can blame them ig) and I don't have any here yet. I guess I could get a therapist (lol) but that's expensive just to be whiny and there's not really a "fix" for this - I just need some time off from "adulting" as the kids say but I'm not going to get it so I might as well just buck up and deal. But that's really getting overwhelming and I don't know what to do.
This is a bit more personal than usual but I've been really inconsistent on a lot of things and I feel myself dropping balls and this is one of them so why not use the journal site for a bit of actual journaling lol.
I wish I could talk to Jimmy about this but he would just put it all on himself and be all "oh i'm a terrible husband" and that would honestly just make it worse - I don't have the emotional bandwidth to handle him doing another woe-is-me spiel. I'd talk to my friends about it but at this point I don't really have any because we moved away from everyone and they're not really interested in being friends anymore (who can blame them ig) and I don't have any here yet. I guess I could get a therapist (lol) but that's expensive just to be whiny and there's not really a "fix" for this - I just need some time off from "adulting" as the kids say but I'm not going to get it so I might as well just buck up and deal. But that's really getting overwhelming and I don't know what to do.
This is a bit more personal than usual but I've been really inconsistent on a lot of things and I feel myself dropping balls and this is one of them so why not use the journal site for a bit of actual journaling lol.
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Set up a jfin server today. I've been talking about doing something like this for aaaages but it's always been easy enough to find what I want to listen to or watch. I've been more interested recently in archiving and using my own stuff. At some point I'll probably try to put this on a personal machine / hard drive, but for now I'm using aws simply for simplicity.
It'll be good to control my own stuff a little bit more (even if it's on cloud architecture) and build up a stash of stuff. I probably need to do a fair amount of cost optimization - see if I can get my ec2 to auto-suspend / resume w/ a lambda button. Also buying a bunch of music and uploading it all. Definitely looking forward to making this work though!!
It'll be good to control my own stuff a little bit more (even if it's on cloud architecture) and build up a stash of stuff. I probably need to do a fair amount of cost optimization - see if I can get my ec2 to auto-suspend / resume w/ a lambda button. Also buying a bunch of music and uploading it all. Definitely looking forward to making this work though!!
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There are three kid kids and two teens you can talk to.
The three kids are actually pretty happy most of the time.
John likes bugs. Mabel likes hitting things. Pyke likes drawing and grass. They mostly hang out together near the gardening area and your interactions with them are mostly petty kid drama. They will also tell you about all the bugs that live here and who they don't like. And they'll ask lots of questions about your truck.
The teens are a bit more skeptical. I'll work on them later...
The three kids are actually pretty happy most of the time.
John likes bugs. Mabel likes hitting things. Pyke likes drawing and grass. They mostly hang out together near the gardening area and your interactions with them are mostly petty kid drama. They will also tell you about all the bugs that live here and who they don't like. And they'll ask lots of questions about your truck.
The teens are a bit more skeptical. I'll work on them later...
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So here: anarchonurzox.dreamwidth.org/19035.html I wrote down some goals for getting back to ND and! Update!
In order:
- I went to church last Sunday and put a lil paper in the box saying I was interested in membership. But I heard absolutely nothing back. Sooo waiting to see what happens this Sunday. It's small so it's not like I'll just disappear into the ether and no one will talk to me.
- Exercise: not really. Need to work on this one.
- Healthy eating: have determined not to eat out for all of April so I'm just eating stuff at home all the time. I badger Jimmy into making me lots of salads. It's... fine. Not great. I probably need sweet potatoes.
- In person dnd group. I'll probably wait until the end of Jimmy's campaign that I'm a part of. Just because it's hard for me to commit to multiple campaigns at the same time. But I found out that there's one at the library!!
- Volunteer work: I'm gonna volunteer with the tractor festival. Probably want to get something more consistent as well but still settling in and don't want to overcommit!
- fiber arts group.. again, there's one at the library but it's really kinda far just for a stitch n bitch. I should probably attend at least once but I've mostly been working on all my own projects.
- doghouse: I've been doing a lot of work on this, pretty much every single day for an hour or two. Currently painting everything with primer and then I'll paint!! Can't wait to get it all set up.
And waiting on the contractor to get back to us with a quote...
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I think you can stay in the town in the fog for a while. Several days, a week or two, maybe longer. It'll be a little slice of life sim if you want it to be.
One of the people there is the gardener. He is middleaged - maybe 45ish. He's initially a bit crusty and not really forthcoming about his life or what he thinks.
He's pretty resigned to living in the bubble. Life isn't great - there's a lot of hardship and things are often difficult but he values his relationships with the other people and seems himself as sort of a father figure.
day 1
you: hey
him: hello there.
you: ...
you: so, tell me about this place
him: well, these are the gardens. I grow food here.
you: what about the other people here?
him: ... they're cool
anything other than that gets noncommittal responses or grunts
One of the people there is the gardener. He is middleaged - maybe 45ish. He's initially a bit crusty and not really forthcoming about his life or what he thinks.
He's pretty resigned to living in the bubble. Life isn't great - there's a lot of hardship and things are often difficult but he values his relationships with the other people and seems himself as sort of a father figure.
day 1
you: hey
him: hello there.
you: ...
you: so, tell me about this place
him: well, these are the gardens. I grow food here.
you: what about the other people here?
him: ... they're cool
anything other than that gets noncommittal responses or grunts
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I finished playing Pentiment and honestly that is *exactly* the kind of interlocking between the acts that I want to capture. Obviously they had a much bigger team and were able to do much more elaborate programming of the art, cutscenes, etc. But I think I can try to get a similar narrative depth in road game. I hope anyway. Some games like BG3 or whatever are just waaaay more complex. And I don't have the time to build something like undertale or stardew valley. But if I focus on a few characters and the main story, I feel like I can pull it off? We'll see. More to come.. I just need to get more writing done.
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I've been procrastinating a bit on writing stuff for road game because I don't really know how I want the ending to go. I'm struggling with the antagonist and what it's really supposed to be and do; what its powers are, what its goals are, etc. Is it something out of the cthulhu mythos? is it just sort of a generic "spoopy monster" from the cosmos that wants to eat people? Is it a dream monster, a demon, or something else?
I don't want to be super obvious about this in the game itself, but I want to have some of this spelled out at a meta level. I think it is something that is "summoned" or "awakened" by the exercise of power for ostensibly "good" reasons. (I think that's one of the main themes that gets into this game: sort of a "road to hell paved by good intentions" motif.) So in the first episode, the "cult" are exercising "god's law" but they're ending up with something that is gonna summon $monster eventually. And the village in the fog is a group who already did.
But the monster himself.. is he a will to power monster? is he the abyss? is he the ghost of hitler? He devours and always wants more (power / control / souls ownership). He is an antichrist - an? the?
I don't want to be super obvious about this in the game itself, but I want to have some of this spelled out at a meta level. I think it is something that is "summoned" or "awakened" by the exercise of power for ostensibly "good" reasons. (I think that's one of the main themes that gets into this game: sort of a "road to hell paved by good intentions" motif.) So in the first episode, the "cult" are exercising "god's law" but they're ending up with something that is gonna summon $monster eventually. And the village in the fog is a group who already did.
But the monster himself.. is he a will to power monster? is he the abyss? is he the ghost of hitler? He devours and always wants more (power / control / souls ownership). He is an antichrist - an? the?
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Something I've tried to live by for a long time is a verse from Jeremiah 12. "if you go running with the footsoldiers and their wear you out, how ya gonna keep up with the horses?" There's a whole "context" of it but the metaphor is pretty striking even on its own. Also in Zechariah there's a similar idea: don't despise the small beginnings of the Lord.
Either way, you gotta do a little before you do a lot. You gotta crawl before you can walk before you can run. There's two things I take away from this concept.
First, attitude toward small things. It's important to not complain just because you aren't instantly achieving all your goals. Water wears a hole in a rock, and every little action is the water. Building the muscle. So many things are accretive and are difficult or impossible to achieve overnight, so we shouldn't hold ourselves to an immaculate, unrealistic standard. We're setting ourselves up for failure if we expect to write a groundbreaking novel overnight, or that our music will be perfect, or that we'll do any of a dozen other things that just aren't possible to do without putting in effort.
But second, we need to put in the effort, or we won't get anywhere. If we don't practice our running until we can keep up with the footsoldiers, we'll never be able to keep up with the horse. We shouldn't expect any magical "I'm a genius!!" moment if we don't put in the effort required to use our talents to do the little things. But if we keep trying, little by little, small thing by small thing, we will see big results.
Either way, you gotta do a little before you do a lot. You gotta crawl before you can walk before you can run. There's two things I take away from this concept.
First, attitude toward small things. It's important to not complain just because you aren't instantly achieving all your goals. Water wears a hole in a rock, and every little action is the water. Building the muscle. So many things are accretive and are difficult or impossible to achieve overnight, so we shouldn't hold ourselves to an immaculate, unrealistic standard. We're setting ourselves up for failure if we expect to write a groundbreaking novel overnight, or that our music will be perfect, or that we'll do any of a dozen other things that just aren't possible to do without putting in effort.
But second, we need to put in the effort, or we won't get anywhere. If we don't practice our running until we can keep up with the footsoldiers, we'll never be able to keep up with the horse. We shouldn't expect any magical "I'm a genius!!" moment if we don't put in the effort required to use our talents to do the little things. But if we keep trying, little by little, small thing by small thing, we will see big results.
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Here we are! Matcha in hand, and I've already gone to the town council meeting. 'Twas entertaining, as usual, to watch the folks go about trying to figure out how to do their towning. A grant from the county here! A plan for the tractor show there! I told them I'm interested in volunteering to help the weekend of the threshing show - hopefully that will be a way for me to get to know people.
Really though it's not about belonging to this community. It's about how I get to belong to the community of believers and how we all together come to the house of God with a single purpose.
But part of that is this local 土地 and the people who live here. Serving them, desiring their good, doing what I can where I can and being faithful. Bearing faithful witness. Hopefully.
Really though it's not about belonging to this community. It's about how I get to belong to the community of believers and how we all together come to the house of God with a single purpose.
But part of that is this local 土地 and the people who live here. Serving them, desiring their good, doing what I can where I can and being faithful. Bearing faithful witness. Hopefully.
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So
We're back in ND. I have an alarm clock here, so for better sleep hygiene I leave my phone in the other room when I go to bed. But my primary habit for writing these little ditties has been... DO IT RIGHT BEFORE BED. Which has now led to several nights of "oh shoot, I'm in bed and didn't do my writing and my phone is in the other room. ... honk shoo"
Which is an exceedingly great annoyance, now that I have built something of a consistency around this project. Alas.
Alternatives:
- first thing when I open my computer in the morning. But I usually do that when I really do have to work and half the time something is on fire that needs attention.
- first thing when I get off work. Probably the right answer, honestly. Except forcing myself to do a thing is about the last thing I want to do when I get off work. I generally want to veg or scroll bsky or something similarly boring...
I think the right answer is probably to initiate an intermediate routine of making my matcha after work, doing something a bit offline to relax, and then opening my personal computer and doing this before other projects. yet oof.
We're back in ND. I have an alarm clock here, so for better sleep hygiene I leave my phone in the other room when I go to bed. But my primary habit for writing these little ditties has been... DO IT RIGHT BEFORE BED. Which has now led to several nights of "oh shoot, I'm in bed and didn't do my writing and my phone is in the other room. ... honk shoo"
Which is an exceedingly great annoyance, now that I have built something of a consistency around this project. Alas.
Alternatives:
- first thing when I open my computer in the morning. But I usually do that when I really do have to work and half the time something is on fire that needs attention.
- first thing when I get off work. Probably the right answer, honestly. Except forcing myself to do a thing is about the last thing I want to do when I get off work. I generally want to veg or scroll bsky or something similarly boring...
I think the right answer is probably to initiate an intermediate routine of making my matcha after work, doing something a bit offline to relax, and then opening my personal computer and doing this before other projects. yet oof.
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Am running into some organizational silliness. Boss has a project going on that includes a wide range of org issues. Other people have some ideas about how to do things. I don't have much insight into either their problems or proposed solutions, so I say, "sure why not."
Boss seems ok with it. Founder (who has decent insight into that area of stuff) reviews and says, hey there's not enough context here, y'all add some. Problem statements n stuff. (He's actually skeptical about the solution.) So Boss does a whole exercise that kinda goes nowhere. Founder comes in and pulls me and other minion and tells us to do problem identification stuff.
But this kinda feels like it's gonna step on Boss's toes so I'm hesitant to take point on the whole project even though I'm probably decently qualified... I feel stuck.
Boss seems ok with it. Founder (who has decent insight into that area of stuff) reviews and says, hey there's not enough context here, y'all add some. Problem statements n stuff. (He's actually skeptical about the solution.) So Boss does a whole exercise that kinda goes nowhere. Founder comes in and pulls me and other minion and tells us to do problem identification stuff.
But this kinda feels like it's gonna step on Boss's toes so I'm hesitant to take point on the whole project even though I'm probably decently qualified... I feel stuck.
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I M super sleepy and it's really late so not much today. We've been driving north. In Texas, lots of green out already, very springy. Almost summery feeling even though some trees are stuck in dormancy. Oklahoma, lots of red maple and redbud along the roads. Lots of Bradford pears in full bloom. There are some really pretty parts of OK. I need to track down names n stuff.
Kansas, some trees just starting to turn green a tiny bit. Bradford pears not fully out yet. Nebraska, we were driving in the dark, but it's chilly out. Weird to experience so much latitudinal change in a day.
Kansas, some trees just starting to turn green a tiny bit. Bradford pears not fully out yet. Nebraska, we were driving in the dark, but it's chilly out. Weird to experience so much latitudinal change in a day.
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I said yesterday that I want the town in the misty woods to feel like the PNW. To emphasize: damp, verdant, forest green, full of flowers. Like Spokane when we visited in spring: the sort of place where you wonder how they don't have moss growing on every single surface. Tallll trees, not redwoods exactly but sort of a dream equivalent.
And the people should also be a little bit like what you'd expect from a cult in the PNW. Carmina is enticing, warm, easy to trust but a bit woo at the same time. The people dress in very natural ways... not formally like in The Village or something, but the kids are wearing smocks, linen and wool, earthy and floral tones. The Village actually isn't a terrible reference; this is not a "lesbian commune" story but it's also kiiiiinda got that vibe of having some kind of secret knowledge going on even when you're in the sunshine. (The monster isn't one of the people in the village either, not really.)
So there's Carmina. She remembers the before time. Talked about her before.
The priest. Edmund. He knows how to conciliate the spirit. He feeds it stories. Dreams. He makes and burns a floral incense to placate it.
There are some NPCs here. The purpose of the NPCs is to give the protagonist a sense of the depth of what is destroyed if he doesn't "win" against the spirit. They should have really deep conversation trees... you can really get to know them. That's going to be a lot for me to flesh out... maybe you can even stay here for a while and almost become part of the community, and over time you'll unlock more and more with them. But every day you will get a warning that you are trapped here. You're not progressing the actual plot. And eventually you'll run out of time and HAVE to defeat the monster.
And the people should also be a little bit like what you'd expect from a cult in the PNW. Carmina is enticing, warm, easy to trust but a bit woo at the same time. The people dress in very natural ways... not formally like in The Village or something, but the kids are wearing smocks, linen and wool, earthy and floral tones. The Village actually isn't a terrible reference; this is not a "lesbian commune" story but it's also kiiiiinda got that vibe of having some kind of secret knowledge going on even when you're in the sunshine. (The monster isn't one of the people in the village either, not really.)
So there's Carmina. She remembers the before time. Talked about her before.
The priest. Edmund. He knows how to conciliate the spirit. He feeds it stories. Dreams. He makes and burns a floral incense to placate it.
There are some NPCs here. The purpose of the NPCs is to give the protagonist a sense of the depth of what is destroyed if he doesn't "win" against the spirit. They should have really deep conversation trees... you can really get to know them. That's going to be a lot for me to flesh out... maybe you can even stay here for a while and almost become part of the community, and over time you'll unlock more and more with them. But every day you will get a warning that you are trapped here. You're not progressing the actual plot. And eventually you'll run out of time and HAVE to defeat the monster.
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I want this to feel a little bit more overtly mystical. More in the "something spooky is going on here" way than "oh look it's a shoggoth", at least at first.
It's funny, I realized the forest mist prison is very curse of strahd / barovia coded. But also fairie, and just as a general trope. There's probably a tv trope page about it.
Anyway at first it should seem like a normal trip and even once you're stuck it should seem pretty normal. For a game anyway.
If episode 1 is geographically vibing with Montana, maybe Idaho, episode 2 should be the pnw.
It's funny, I realized the forest mist prison is very curse of strahd / barovia coded. But also fairie, and just as a general trope. There's probably a tv trope page about it.
Anyway at first it should seem like a normal trip and even once you're stuck it should seem pretty normal. For a game anyway.
If episode 1 is geographically vibing with Montana, maybe Idaho, episode 2 should be the pnw.
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I started playing pentiment yesterday. Obviously the text and font is pretty contextual to the game itself, but I also really liked how the game used the different fonts to indicate literacy levels (and sometimes changed fonts when you learned e.g. one of the peasants could read or a monk couldn't).
And I mentioned in the last post the way adios used greyed out text to communicate internal thoughts, things you might want to say but couldn't.
All of these are creative ways that the medium of the game is made to serve the narrative purposes of the author/ creator. Specifically the words. For road-game I'll probably use some kind of engine, at least at first, so I don't know how much freedom I'll have to customize everything. I don't know if I need clever stuff like in pentiment and adios. But I think it's going to be important for me to consider how everything in the medium: the text, the audio, etc all need to support the theme (s) of the game.
And I mentioned in the last post the way adios used greyed out text to communicate internal thoughts, things you might want to say but couldn't.
All of these are creative ways that the medium of the game is made to serve the narrative purposes of the author/ creator. Specifically the words. For road-game I'll probably use some kind of engine, at least at first, so I don't know how much freedom I'll have to customize everything. I don't know if I need clever stuff like in pentiment and adios. But I think it's going to be important for me to consider how everything in the medium: the text, the audio, etc all need to support the theme (s) of the game.
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